fehg;uoisvcxnjck!!! *Sigh* nothing could be done can it? This time the roles are reversed. Now it is YOU who are avoiding me. What can I say? If you don’t want to see me anymore tell me, and I’ll be the one who avoids you. You shouldn’t do this. Not for me. I’m absolutely no one of value to anyone, no one needs me to be there for them, no one wants me to hang out with them, I’m just simply no one. You on the other hand is just simply amazing. Everyone wants you around, everyone invites you EVERYWHERE, everyone needs you, I need you. But it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter who we are and what we do. If we were meant to be, we would be together. It doesn’t matter that you are just so much more amazing than me. It doesn’t matter that you’ve had had guys crawling on their hands and knees for you, while I’ve never had a single girl for my own. I love you so damn much. I don’t care anymore, I don’t care that you are just so awesome. But you do… In that one moment back in summer school. That ONE single moment, I believed that we could be together. That tiny moment when I forgot everything and I believed it was possible to be together. When I came out and told you, you figured I wasn’t good enough for you. The ONLY moment I ever felt I had a chance with you, and you shot me down. Even though I clearly said “It will be okay,” you didn’t think so. Now look at us. With you avoiding me and hurting me more than you can imagine. Don’t you realize you are hurting us both? That’s why now I vow to never leave you, because leaving never fixes anything. All it does is make it worse and hurt both of us. Unless, I really am nothing to you. If that is the case, congratulations! You are not the girl I love. The girl I love is the one who cared. To be honest that is why I fell in love with you, because you cared. It wasn’t the fact that you are awesome, its not the fact that you are so talented, its not that fact that you are so beautiful, its not the fact that every boy you talk to has a crush on you (or so it seems). NO, it is because you cared. No one else ever cared, not to the extent you did. No one would care if I was sad and would go out of their way to make me feel better. Who are you now? If you don’t care, then I don’t know you anymore. If you don’t care then I will still follow you around, hoping that somewhere down there you still care. I know it is futile, I mean I’m as bad as your best friends ex. He too believes that somewhere down there your best friend loves him. All I’m thinking is how similar we are to each other and how we both believe that you care, when its obvious you don’t. Perhaps you stopped caring because it hurt you too much and you couldn’t take it anymore. But is that it? Am I that worthless to you that you won’t even fight for me? Am I really that easy to give up on? 

Feeling so worthless right now. 

Where are you? That person who will come to take me from this madness? Who is it that will erase my memories of you? Where is that person who will save me? I can do it alone, but it fact is it will leave a gaping hole in who I am. I need someone or something to fill the hole. The biggest irony is that you could save me. But if you did so, what then? Then I will fall deeper and hope for something that will never happen. If you saved me it will only be temporary. It would not last. You could save me, but it would be better for you if you didn’t. There are others out there who would save me, but can’t none of them can. None of them can understand, none of them can save me. If anything most of them just make things worse, saying things like how foolish I’m being, or how I should move on, or how I’m just feeling the effects of too many hormones. Then again, maybe it is just hormones, maybe us teenagers are nothing but walking bags of hormones. The biggest drama queens of the planet. I’d hate to think that. To think that we are nothing more than programmed machines, with “love” as just another function. To think we have absolutely no control of how we feel and how others make us feel. If that was true, whats the point? Why would we wake up in the morning if we already know what will happen? Why would we go on? Control is the only thing we have, its the main defining points of being human. Without it we are lost, without it we have nothing to hold on to. Control is what I fight for everyday. Control is what I never want to lose. But I am not perfect, I cannot always fight myself and win. I cannot always fight these feelings and hope to suppress them. Thats probably when I leave. Every time I’ve left you and your ring of friends is because I’ve lost control. But I can’t just give up there, I need to regain my lost ground and go back to war. Thats why I’ve always come back, because I need to prove that these feelings can consume me but they cannot consume who I am. They may destroy me, they may hurt me, they may change me, but they cannot make me stop fighting back. 

I don’t get it. I should be happy, I should be glad, but I’m not. I just don’t know, what is wrong with me? Why does it feel like there is a gaping hole in the middle of our friendship? Why am I so paranoid about you? Why does it seem like every time I see you, you are always rushing off to go home? Why does it seem like you don’t want to talk to me? Why does it seem like you would rather talk to anyone around us but me? Why do I feel so hurt when you talk to another guy? Why do I feel so happy when you do the smallest things, like waving to me or a simple hello? I know it means absolutely nothing at all to you, but it is everything to me. To see that approval of my presence. To see that I’m not hurting you. You mean so much to me, I just wish I meant something to you.

I wonder if this feeling will ever leave me? Sometimes when I see you hurt I’d wish that I’d never fallen for you, but there are times, few yet still there, when I’m actually happy to know exactly what I want. You see many people go through their entire lives and yet they have no clue what they want. In a way I’m glad I know that I’ve fallen for someone who is trustworthy, honest, brave, curious, strong and overall amazing. I’ve seen you at your worst and I’ve seen you at your best. I only wish I was there for you when I hurt you so. This feeling doesn’t seem as if it wants to let go. Every time someone msns me I get all excited and I think it is you… But it never is… Thats when I snap out of that short moment of fantasy and come back to reality. If you wanted to talk to me you would. If you wanted me back you would chase me. If you wanted me you would stay by my side and never leave. Alas, this is the fantasy I build around me. This is the labyrinth I’ve created for myself. It is a beautiful room, it has you everywhere and it is one of the places where I feel strengthened, but it is a labyrinth nevertheless. It has its dead ends and its hidden paths, but there is a way out. I know that for sure. Yet the path to inner peace is never easy, there are no shortcuts, no middle roads, no bypasses, the only way to achieve it is to keep moving. Yes I am in love with you, but that does not mean I should drop everything I have and cry in a corner. Some times I will, but not always. There is always a time and place for these things.